Jeff's Stuff

Well folks, as the title suggests, today I have some random silliness.

The Church Van
The other day, I was out with the family, when we came upon the van pictured below. Now, I have always suspected that religion was a dangerous thing. Still, I never thought that they would actually admit it. I certainly didn't think they would include a warning sign like this one.

I always suspected that religion was a dangerous thing. Now I guess I have proof.

Now, I realize that the warning was not meant as a caution against religion. Still, I fail to see what the warning is for. I mean, are church bus drivers as a group, more reckless than other drivers? Are church bus riders more likely to throw projectiles at the other cars? Are church vans somehow likely to spontaneously explode?

The answer to this is obviously "no", "no" and "I hope not". Still, I wonder about such things. Why the warning? Do the owners/occupants of the van feel that because they are in a church vehicle that they are somehow entitled to more consideration on the road? Do they feel that I should be a more careful driver because of who they are?

Well that seems just as silly as the first three ideas. It reminds me a lot of the obnoxious "baby on board" signs that used to grace every SUV and minivan on the road. It seems to me that, since the van is occupied by "believers", they should need less protection from me since they are clearly obtaining it through divine intervention. If God is looking out for them, I can spend more time looking out for the other cars. Now, if the car said something like, "Atheist on Board" I might cut the guy a little more slack. After all, nobody is looking out for him.

The 101.89% Solution

My son and I went into the woods the other day for a short hike. I strongly recommend this to other parents as it is much healthier than sitting around eating chips and playing video games (like way too many children today do). Anyway, after about 10 minutes, I realized that some insect repellent would've been a really good idea. Unfortunately, it was a really good idea that I didn't have until 10 minutes into the trip.

Continued...

I was recently walking through a Bloomingdale's store when I saw an interesting sign posted near the entrance. It read:

Bloomingdale's
is changing our store hours
to better serve you.

We may be opening later
or closing earlier.

Please see a sales associate
for details.

Just the other day I was thinking, "this store is open way too late. I really wish it closed earlier". Now, is it just me or is there no possible way that this "serves me better"? Serving me better would be being open earlier or staying open later. To me, it seems like they're doing me a disservice by cutting their hours.

I realize that retailers are hurting because of the poor economy. Still, is it necessary to tell people they're doing them a favor by decreasing their store hours? Does anybody feel all warm and fuzzy, because they're going that extra mile for the customer?

I know it has been a long time since I've posted here. I'll try to update this more frequently going forward. In the mean time, keep warm.

I saw this and my jaw dropped! A couple in Richland County, South Carolina were expelled from school for "sexual misconduct". The reason for this YEAR LONG EXPULSION from school... They were kissing on the school bus.

Someone save us all from this egregious display! How can we have our kids doing something as vulgar as kissing on a school bus! This must be stopped at once. They clearly should be drawn and quartered. While we are at it, we might consider boiling them in oil and then maybe putting them each in prison for 20 or 30 years just for good measure.

What is the school district thinking? Oh, wait... I know. THEY AREN'T THINKING. Of course, when asked for comments from the media, they do what schools always do when they are pressed to rationalize their blunders... They cite privacy laws and say that they cannot comment. Clearly the students are talking, so the schools should be free to explain their actions. I'm sure that would be very amusing indeed.

What's next? Suspension for holding hands? Perhaps a detention for steeling a glance. Passing love notes? Hmmm that probably warrants the death penalty in Richland County. What a progressive place South Carolina must be!

From time to time I travel by air. Now, air travel can be stressful. Certainly, in the post-9/11 world airport security alone has made travel by air more of a chore than ever. Between flight delays, lost luggage, inedible meals and brain dead security screeners, air travel today is more stressful than ever.

Still, that's not what I'm talking about today. Today, I want to focus on the little things that people do to add stress to me. I want to focus on two types of people you find on a plane. These people may feel that aren't doing anything wrong but they are. Let me elaborate.

The Seat Sharer

Airlines began requiring obese passengers to purchase a second seat when flying. While this caused much furor among overweight passengers, I for one am relieved. I am tired of having someone sitting next to me who is so large that they cannot fit into their seat. What is normally a personal problem just became my problem.

Just because someone is so fat that they don't fit into a single seat doesn't give them the right to use some of the space that I have. Your weight is your personal issue. I'm not saying that you are a bad person for being overweight. I'm not saying that it is wrong. I'm certainly not saying that you have to change your appearance for my sake. What I am saying is that your obesity should not impact me.

I've been on several flights were the person next to me was so big that they were "spilling over" into my space. I could not put the armrest down because the person next to me was so large. One person told me about a trip where the person in the next seat actually lifted up the armrest, spilled over onto the seat my friend was sitting in and said something like, "don't worry, you can lean on me." All I can say to that is, "no thanks!"

What the airline charges these passengers for that second seat between the airlines and these passengers. All I have to say on the subject is this: I paid for a seat. I did not pay for half of the seat. I do not pay for a third of the seat. I paid for a full seat. If you want to sit in part of my seat, then compensate me for my inconvenience. What... you're not willing to do that? Then get out of my space! I paid for it. I'll use it.

The Poor Planner

Lets see if you recognize this individual.

You book your flight and even confirmed your seat online months in advance. You made sure that you got that window seat or aisle seat that you wanted. You make sure you were sitting with your friends, spouse, et cetera.

Now, someone comes up to you and says something like, "excuse me, but I'd really like to sit with my (friend, parent, spouse, mailman, etc.) and would you mind switching seats with me?

These people will try to make you feel guilty for not switching seats. On a recent flight I took to Alaska, my wife and I planned our flight 14 months in advance. We made sure that the two of us as well as our two small children would be in one row and that my wife and I would both have aisle seats. Someone was walking around the cabin asking people to move so that she could sit with her mother.

When nobody was willing to give up their aisle seat in exchange for her "middle" seat, she enlisted the help of a flight attendant who then began pressuring passengers.

Now I am sorry but an old adage seems to sum this up. "Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part" I did not reserve my seats months in advance so that I would have to exchange them for inferior seats because someone else didn't think ahead.

If you want to sit with somebody on an airplane, book your seats together. If you want to sit in a particular part of the aircraft, book your seats in advance. If you want to sit in the aisle or at the window, book your seats in advance. If you wait to the last minute to pick your seats, you get what's left over.

What amazes me is the fact that these people feel that they're entitled to my seat. If I was in a movie theater and had a "good" seat, nobody would consider asking me to move to the back of the theater because they can't see the screen. Get on an airplane however and people feel that they are entitled to whatever they want, even if they only booked the seats earlier that afternoon.

So to all of you flight attendants out there I would like to ask you a simple favor. Please, please, please don't pressure people to give up their seat for someone else's convenience. It's one thing to make an announcement requesting somebody give up a seat. It is quite another to single people out and ask them repeatedly if they "wouldn't help out this poor woman who wants to sit with her mother".

And to all of you people who don't fit in a single airline seat I will offer two suggestions. Book two seats in advance to avoid any embarrassment. If you don't want to spend the money for the extra seat than all I can do is suggest that you consider losing weight. I know that isn't simple but it's a lot more reasonable for me to suggest that you lose weight than it is for you to suggest that I have to share my seat with you.

Today, I just want to share with you a couple signs that I just don't understand. Well, I think I know what they mean but still, there is reason to pause... and wonder!

This first image was taken at Dorney Park in Allentown, PA. I shot it this summer while visiting with my son. While my son was riding some contraption designed to approximate the effect of an eggbeater on the human body, I being bored out of my mind, decided to read this sign. I never dreamed that it would be interesting, much less interesting enough to write about.

It wasn't until I got most of the way through reading the sign that I began to panic:

All I want to know is, what is a "Lap Bear" exactly? Is this some large mammal that you put on your lap during the ride? What does one feed a lap bear? Well, the answer to that is simple. If you are riding, I'm guessing you, are the food!

The other sign I saw is one that just, to my twisted mind, should have been re-written. It, unlike the first sign, is not a misprint. It is however arguably, a poor choice of words.

But honey, I'm going as fast as I can already!

I know we live in a fast paced society. We have speed-reading, and SpeedStick. We have instant pudding and fast-food. Now, I have heard of "speed-dating" but once you find someone, couldn't you use some of the time you saved by speed-dating, to have sex at a normal rate of speed? I wonder, do you think speed-humping will ever become an Olympic sport?